Grieving from Within Part 1

There are moments that I walk outside, twirl around, and feel the wind in my hair. The other day, I was so in love with life that I daydreamed about what life was going to be like in the future. I was at a store this past week, it was storming, lightning, and thundering. Everyone was standing under the roof hiding from the rain, while others had their partners run in the rain to grab the car for them. I, however, felt that I needed to feel alive again. In my scrubs, I confidently took a step and walked out into the storm. I looked up into the cloudy skies, smiled, and silently whispered to myself, “I wish I could turn back time so I could turn the memories full of torture and grief from the rain into happy memories of love and promises.”

As I walked slowly, people yelled out, “You’re such a brave girl!” As I looked back, I did a twirl like a little girl and smiled.  A gentleman with the most charming smile and dimples ran after me and screamed, “You’re the first girl that I found to be so mesmerizing in the middle of the rain! You’re so carefree, so innocent, so beautiful.”

Little did he know, behind this smile, this innocence, entails a past full of demons, of hatred, of grief. He ran after me to my car, took off his gray knit sweater and tried to shelter me from the storm. He was at least six foot three, muscular, I could see his strong chest and buff arms through his fitted black shirt.

I looked him in the eyes and nervously said, “Uh, we are already wet, so why are you trying to shield me from getting even more wet?” (I felt a teeny bit uncomfortable being this close to a stranger).

His grin housed perfect white teeth, a stong jawline, and those dimples, Good Lord those dimples can make a girl walk into a wall just by staring at them. He responded, “Because I am a man, no matter how much rain there is, the least I could do is protect you from lightning, since I am so much taller than you, it would strike me first.”

imageI laughed out loud so hard that I was pretty sure I snorted. It had been awhile since I last smiled genuinely, I couldn’t remember, not since…

“You sure know how to court a girl! I mean, we are standing in the middle of a storm, soaking wet, with you holding a wet sweater over my head. I’m probably a hot mess with probably makeup running everywhere and I see that your titties are getting quite erect! HAHA!”

“Well, it is getting pretty chilly standing out here. Do you want to meet at a coffee shop and continue our conversation? I don’t think I’ve ever had an opportunity of speaking to a girl in the rain, in front of a red Benz in the middle of a parking lot with a ton of onlookers staring like we are part of a movie before…”

“Well, never in my life had I ever have a man chase after me in the rain before, either. It’s quite impressive. Your white teeth is so bright! Do you bleach them? They are so perfectly straight! HAHA!”

(That was such a corny, awkward compliment)

“Ditto, I’ve never seen such an alluring woman with such mesmorizing eyes that houses so much innocence behind them before.. My name’s Micah.”

At that moment, I couldn’t hear anything because a loud thunder clapped and startled me. I jumped (unintentionally) and he put his hand on the small of my back and whispered, “It’s going to be okay. You’re safe. As long as you’re with me, I am going to shield you from the storm.”

Tears fell from my eyes, those words, the sincerity behind them, the exact words that I have heard many times before echoed within my soul. Through the raindrops falling down my face, he managed to see the tears.

“Is everything alright? Did I say something wrong?!”

How could I not notice his European accent? Jesus, can this man not get any more hot? How did I miss that? I love accents. The rain slowed to a drizzle at that moment.

“No, Micah, you didn’t say anything wrong at all, you just reminded me of a memory from my past that I am trying to forget. I appreciate your kind gesture and this unique encounter that I probably won’t ever forget in my life, but I don’t feel too hot right now.”

“You have a… country accent?”

“No, just a little Southern charm, that’s all. I have to go now, (Lying) I have to meet up with my friends. I am drenched, so I got to go home and change and get ready to meet them. It was so amazing that I got to meet a kind man like you today. The world needs more of Micah around!”

parking lot“Wait, you’re leaving me, now? We just got acquainted! At least give me your name and number so we can continue this another day?” I unlocked my car and he opened it. Jesus, I love a man that knows how to open car doors for women. Can he be any more perfect? He closed the door and I rolled my windows down.

“I’m Kam! I have to run now, I’m so sorry!” I started backing out.

“Kam, WAIT! Can I have your number?”

“I’m sorry, Micah, not right now. Not now. I’m so so sorry.”

With that, I took off. I looked in the rearview mirror as I was driving off and I saw him still standing there looking at me, surprised. I don’t blame him, I would be disappointed in myself, too. We had such great chemistry, a chance at a new beginning of a potentially great romance. As his reflection disappeared from my mirror, I pulled into a parking lot in front of a Five Guy’s restaurant and just broke down. I sobbed and sobbed. I felt hopeless, despair, confused, hatred, disgusted, and angry at myself. Why didn’t I give him my number? Why was I so stupid to allow something as great as him to pass me by? I questioned myself a thousand times and decided to turn back and throw caution to the wind and follow my heart. Just as I expected, he was no longer there. Hell, I don’t even know what kind of car he drove! I just remembered his image, a person I would never forget, the man that I allowed to get away, like literally.

What scared me so much from giving him my number? Why didn’t I welcome him or give him a shot at possibly understanding me a little more? I am chained by my past, my sorrow, my grief. The most recent event that happened in my life crippled me, it made me not believe anymore, it devastated me. Did I want to be vulnerable once again and risk everything to feel that way again? It all began with three words…


(To be continued..)








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